What to Do If You Feel Like He’s Cheating

I sometimes get emails from women who are starting to suspect that their husbands or boyfriends are cheating.  They aren’t sure how to proceed.  They often wonder whether they should ask or admit to their suspicions or if they should just watch and wait for awhile.  And, they want to know what they should be doing if they decide not to confront him right away.  Or, if they do chose to confront him, how should they do it? What should they say?  I’ll address these questions in the following article.

Why I Recommend Waiting To Confront Him About Your Suspicions That He’s Cheating:  As you can probably tell, I recommend watching and waiting for a bit.  This recommendation comes from both personal experience and from seeing this scenario with my readers so many times.  You are usually going to be in a much better position if you don’t place your cards on the table too early.  This is a very serious accusation and before you actually say it, you should make sure that you are right about it.  Your relationship could be seriously damaged if you start making accusations that are just plain wrong.

What if he’s not cheating? How bad will this make you look? And, let’s say that he is cheating but you don’t yet have any proof.  Do you think he’s going to admit it if he doesn’t have to?  From my observations, this is very unlikely. It’s more likely that he will deny everything and then proceed to do a better job of what he’s already been doing.  He’ll be more careful and leave less clues so that actually obtaining the proof is just that much harder for you.

Watching And Waiting The Right Way:  If you’ve decided to bide your time, approach this in a very systematic and logical way. First, ask yourself why you think he may be cheating.  Pinpoint exactly those things that are the source of your suspicions.  Many women are just too vague in this step.  They’ll say things like: “well, it’s just a feeling that I have,” or “he is just acting weird and different around me.”  These things may well be true, but they aren’t specific enough to allow you to follow up on them.   You want to take these off feelings and then follow them up.  On the days that you notice him acting weird, are there any weird numbers or texts on his cell phone?  Was he gone longer than he was supposed to be or not where he said he was?” 

The real key is turn your suspicion that you can’t yet quantify into something very specific on which you can follow up.  Check his cell phone, his car, his computer, his work space, and any drawers that have keys, etc.  Of course, you want to do this when he isn’t around.  The phone often is challenging because most people have this on them most of the time. But, he has to sleep.  He has to shower.  They are usually short pockets of time where you can access to this to check out the call logs, in box, and photos.

People often ask me how are they supposed to act like everything is normal when it very much isn’t.  I often hear things like “so I’m just supposed to continue to be affectionate to him like nothing is wrong when I know that he’s probably lying to me?”  I know that this is difficult. I often recommend that you come up with a distraction or issue that you can use to excuse your distance.  You have a project due at work.  You’re under a lot of stress at school.  You have some extended family issue that needs your attention right now.  You have a cold.  Use whatever works to explain why you’re not acting the way that you typically would.

How To Confront Him About Your Cheating Suspicions: First, I can’t stress enough how much you should have all of your proof lined up when you go to do this.  Just having feelings or seeing weird phone numbers isn’t going to be enough to get an admission out of him.  Follow up the weird phone numbers with reverse look up.  If he’s deleted everything, get the software that will bring it back.  The same is true of his computer.  There are programs that will show you all the screens and activity on that computer or phone so that you can read everything as it took place.  Once you’ve done your homework, the picture should become crystal clear.

Of course, if all this snooping shows that he hasn’t been cheating, then you and he are both in the clear.  Luckily, he will never need to know what you suspected and your relationship has not been damaged.  But, if you do find out that your fears are true, then you will have to decide how to approach this.  Always make yourself look like you gave him the benefit of the doubt.  Tell him that you followed up on your suspicions because you were looking for confirmation that they weren’t true and you didn’t want to insult him with suspicions that you knew would be turn out to be wrong.  But, imagine your surprise and disappointment when you found out that you were wrong. 

He’ll usually take it from there.  Some men will be so blatant as to continue to deny it and some won’t continue to insult your intelligence when the proof is right in front of them.  At this point, you’ll need to decide where you want to go from here, but at least now you have all of the information that you need to make that decision.

I was in this same situation a short time ago. I tried to confront my husband too soon, before I had proof, and of course he denied everything. I tried to believe him, but the doubts remained. I decided that I really wanted to know the truth, no matter what that truth was. I learned how to get concrete information and proof that my husband thought that he had hid and erased. Once I presented this to him, he had no choice but to come clean. You can read my very personal story at http://catch-the-cheating.com/