I often hear from wives whose husbands have recently come back home after having an affair. Many are somewhat relieved and glad that he’s home. But many of them also question his motives. I often hear comments like “did he come back after his affair because he loves me or because of something else?”
Many of these wives admit that they’re afraid that their husband is back because things didn’t work out between him and the other woman. Or, they might tell me that they’re afraid that he only came back home because of financial reasons or because of their children.
I recently had a woman say to me: “I’m glad my husband returned home after his cheating, but I’m reluctant and I question his motives. He says he’s here because he decided he loves me and wants to save our marriage. But there’s a little voice in the back of my head that wonders if the other woman kicked him out or if he knows a divorce is going to cost him a lot of money.”
It’s so common to have all sorts of questions after a husband’s cheating. Wives wonder if their husband really loves them and is really sincere. This is perfectly normal, but if this process goes on for too long, it can continue to hurt you for longer than it needs to. I will discuss this more in the following article.
It’s Normal To Wonder Why Your Husband Came Back After Cheating: As I said, it would be more noteworthy if you didn’t have questions and concerns. I don’t know many women in this situation who didn’t question their husband’s feelings and motives. When you’ve been hurt in this way, your defenses can’t help but be high. It’s absolutely understandable and it’s a form of self preservation.
And, unfortunately, you can’t know for certain what he’s feeling or thinking. You can’t see inside his thoughts or his heart. You basically have two ways to evaluate his claims. You can listen to his words and you can view his actions. Because he can and will say anything. But it’s his actions that will usually tell you what his intentions truly are. And sometimes, this requires for you to watch and wait to get a clear picture of his intentions and motivations.
Deciding Whether You Want To Focus On Your Husband’s Motivations After The Cheating Or If You Want To Focus On The Outcome: I absolutely understand any reluctance to take what your husband says at face value. I also absolutely understand that while you may want to believe that your husband is home because he loves you, at the same time you might have doubts about this. I also know that many women have a very hard time not placing most of their focus on this issue. It’s something that can eat you up inside.
But, here’s the thing. You may never get a definitive answer since you can’t definitively know or see how he really fells. There’s a real risk of placing so much of your focus on this issue so that no real progress or healing can happen until it is resolved. This is unfortunate because, as I alluded to, this is sometimes a process that builds upon itself.
Sometimes if you are focusing too much on why he came back to you after the affair, you’re missing the fact that he did come back to you. Sure, time will probably give you more information as to why this happened. But if you focus only on the why, then you may not be focused enough on the how. By that I mean that you’re not focusing on how you are going to make this situation better and get through this.
At some point, as painful as this is, you have to make a decision as to whether you’re going to place your focus on why he really came back or on the opportunity that you have since he is back. The wife in this situation was having a very difficult time believing that her husband really wanted to be home. My question to her was if she was willing to continue to place her focus on that issue in such a way that she placed the outcome at risk. I asked her to define what she really wanted.
Eventually, she told me that what she really wanted was a husband who loved her and who truly was home because he wanted to be there. I asked her if she knew that she didn’t have this. Because if she were to look around, she would clearly see that her husband was under her roof telling her that he did love her and was home because he wanted to be.
Time was going to tell if he were being truthful. But right now, she had two choices. The first was to continue to question and doubt the relationship and run the risk of placing the marriage in further jeopardy. The second was to take a wait and see approach and to be open to seeing what would happen if she want into this with an open heart but an observant attitude.
I know that believing what your husband says right now is extremely difficult, but he sometimes is telling the truth. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
Katie Lersch writes articles about moving past an affair. Her corresponding blog is at http://surviving-the-affair.com/