Tag Archives: Cope

What Can Help Me Cope With The Pain From His Cheating?

I get a lot of correspondence from women who are in a lot of pain while trying to deal with the troublesome issues that come hand in hand with a husband’s affair. These women often tell me that they’ve tried numerous different things from counseling, to giving their best efforts, to even cheating themselves. Many are quite frustrated that none of these things seem to be working. Often, they still feel the anger, the hurt, and the sense of helplessness that seems to accompany this situation.

I often hear comments like “I feel like I’ve not only lost my husband and my family, but I’ve lost myself. I used to be reasonably confident and trusting, but that’s all changed now.” Or, “how can I get over the sense of how unfair this all is? I was a good wife. Why does he get to just make a huge mistake and now I have to be the one to forgive?” Or, “I just don’t know how to feel better. Every day, I feel pain and anger. I’ve tried counseling. I’ve tried talking it out. But none of it takes away my anger.”

I do understand and sympathize. I have been in this situation and I have felt all of these feelings. I understand worrying whether things will ever change or get better when you can’t seem to make any decent gains no matter how hard you try. But, I do believe that there are some things that can help you to heal (or at least they did in my case.) I will discuss these things in the following article.

The Number One Thing That You’ve Going To Need To Heal From Being Cheated On Is Constructive Time That Changes Important Things For You: I often tell women that there is no way around needing time and space to process what has happened and to begin the healing process. Guilty husbands will often press for forgiveness way too early and often we will beat ourselves up and tell ourselves things like “I should have gotten over this by now.” Or, “why can’t I just move on once and for all?”

If you rush yourself or allow yourself to move according to someone else’s time frame or judgments, you’re risking placing unnecessary pressure on yourself. There is no “one size fits all” time frame. And quite honestly, the healing will come much faster if your husband is willing to provide the things that you are going to need. But, telling wives that they’re “going to need time” when healing from being cheated on is only partially accurate.

If you give yourself time but then nothing within the marriage, yourself, or your husband changes, then you might not have the success that you have hoped for. What you need is time coupled with the changes that are going to offer you the reassurance and the improvements that are necessary to make you believe that healing can and should take place. Time without real progress isn’t always enough.

Understanding That You Are Likely Not The Main Or Only Problem: Protecting Your Self Esteem: Many women who have been cheated on actually feel guilty or to blame even though they are the partner who was faithful. They will assume that they didn’t give their husband what he needed or they were too self absorbed or naive to catch onto what was going on. They’ll sometimes tell themselves that they are losing their looks, or are not good listeners, or just don’t pay attention enough to “keep a man.”

Again, I’ve felt these feelings and I can tell you that almost everyone feels them at some point. But, I can also tell you that they are quite often not accurate. Men cheat more for reasons that have to do with them. Sure, some will tell you that you didn’t give them time or affection, but this is sometimes their denials talking as much as it’s the truth. No matter what the circumstances, they were the ones who chose their own actions. And, research and studies indicate and suggest that men often cheat to quiet doubts and fears within their own minds. It’s often themselves that they feel negatively about – not you.

Most of us know that there’s a long list of beautiful and famous women who have been cheated on with all sorts of questionable women (both in terms of looks and character.) There is sometimes no rhyme or reason to why men in crisis make the decisions that they make. So, it’s important that you don’t take his problems onto yourself.

You are very likely not unattractive and / or not as naive as you think you are. Be kind to yourself right now and give yourself some time before you make any rash changes. With that said, focusing on improving things that bother you about yourself can actually help your healing. This was the case with me. I lost weight and changed my appearance for myself, not for him and this did provide a boost for me and gave me a reason to put a smile on my face.

Crafting The Future That Makes You Happy: Very often, the thing that makes you happy and able to move on is having something to look forward to that makes you forget about the pain of the past. Sometimes, this is changes and improvements in your marriage. Some couples are able to create a new relationship that keeps them from having to look back all of the time. Other times, women will chose to focus on themselves. Some will decide to save the marriage and some will decide to end it. But those who are able to move on will usually ultimately begin to ask themselves what is it that makes them happy and makes their lives function better?

As painful as this time is, it can be an opportunity to see places where you can improve and grow. And, future happiness and growth is often the best way to move on and away from the pain of the past. I know that it doesn’t feel like it right now, but it truly is possible to face and deal with the issues enough so that things won’t always feel the way that they do right now.

Restoring my self esteem, will to move forward, and self worth after my husband’s affair took work, but it was so worth it. I now understand myself, my husband, our marriage, and our intimacy on a much deeper level and I no longer worry that he will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

Katie Lersch writes articles about moving past an affair.  Her corresponding blog is at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

What to do should you suspect your partner is cheating on you: Some uncomplicated methods to cope with cheating

When you are suspecting your partner of cheating you’ll find usually some signs that may indicate that your partner isn’t becoming absolutely truthful about something. Nevertheless it may well not constantly be a sign of infidelity – there may well be other underlying causes for the out-of-character-behavior.

There’s possibly no a lot more hurtful expertise inside the world than to discover a partner or spouse’s infidelity. This discovery may be intensely painful and provides rise to an entire range of feelings and thoughts – most of that are incredibly hurtful and illogical.

Should you suspect your partner of cheating, you have to be cautious how you handle the situation mainly because these suspicions will ultimately take over your entire life if allowed to complete so. They impact your sleep, your work and definitely your judgment. With this in thoughts it is vital to maintain a level head and method the entire matter objectively.

Consider first that nothing is worth going overboard about till solid proof of infidelity is obtained. Keep in mind that there might be totally innocent factors for the most suspicions and that you might be the individual most affected by all of this. Stay calm and ask your self what you’ll lose and also how bad it would be if your suspicions were confirmed to be correct?

Remind your self that it’s vital to focus on what the factors for this infidelity may be and remember that even if it may possibly not generally appear to be the case, you have a life to live and the greatest method to do this would be to concentrate on those things you’ll be able to change and get on with it.

No good can come of beating yourself up about those things which you cannot control. Don’t forget that typically these suspicions are manifestations of those things we fear are incorrect in a relationship. An example of this may possibly be a decline inside the frequency or passion of intimacy. Could this not be for well being factors?

Is the communication in your relationship all that it needs to be? Can you discuss your fears objectively? The answers to these questions can only be discovered in between the two of you. It is important to strategy this in an objective manner as emotions can get in the way and normally what we see as indicators of infidelity are something else together.

At a time like this it’s more important to attempt and uncover the trigger of the change in behavior or habit than attempting to catch them red-handed. In case you approach the topic like a bull in a china shop and just accuse them of cheating straight out, you could trigger irreparable harm to your relationship in the case of it being an innocent reason for the alterations. Try and stay as level headed as it is possible to until you’ve unraveled all of the pieces.

Do you suspect that your partner is cheating on you? Are you questioning the best way to catch a cheating spouse then please go to my website to understand about emotional infidelity in marriage.

My Husband Cheated On Me. How Do I Cope With This?

Having a husband who cheats is one of the things that almost all women fear.  We all know couples who have had their marriages ruined by cheating.  We all know wives who were never really the same after they were cheated on. This is many of our “worst case scenarios” — the thing that we’ve seen happen to many of our friends, but have silently prayed never happens to us.  So, when it does happen to us, we immediately go into grief mode, afraid that the big bad wolf we’ve been hiding from for so long has finally found us and is breaking down the door.

And once we’re in the cross hairs of this process, we often really struggle with digging ourselves out.  We sort of hole up, and focus solely on what was done to us rather than how we can take care of ourselves right now.  In fact, most of the time, ourselves takes the absolute last seat on the bus.  Because it’s so much easier to focus on where we failed and how we’re vulnerable and how much we are hurting.  And, every one is going to do this at first.  It’s just human nature.  But eventually, if we are to get ourselves back, we most learn how to best cope with an eye toward ourselves – not on others.  This article will offer some tips and advice to help you do just that.

Moving From Grief To Coping After Your Husband Has Cheated:  It’s only natural to be reeling for a while after you learn of his cheating or of an affair.  It just takes time to process this.  It can be really hard to wrap your brain around this at first and your mind is going to be swimming with questions that only he can answer, but probably won’t. Often, he’s trying to spare you pain, although you may not realize it at the time.

Still, you will want to know everything about her. What does she look like? Why he was attracted to her? What did  they did and when? Is she still in the picture? How can you compete with her? And the list goes on and on.  Once you get over your obsession about her, you’ll often want to know about all of the ways that you were betrayed. Who else knew about or participated in this?  Where did this take place?  How did this end? Or, did it?

The point is, you will have so many questions.  And these things will just keep going through your mind as a continuous and non ending loop.  Sometimes, your husband will do his very best to provide you with answers, but often, this just isn’t good enough because the trust is gone and you’re not sure if he’s just lying some more.

But, here’s the thing that you must eventually come to understand.  You might never get the answers that are going to satisfy you.  Yes, you absolutely have the right to ask them. But, it’s important that you don’t get stuck just repeating the same old thing and holding onto it like a crutch.  Here’s the thing.  Knowing these answers are not always going to make you feel any better. And, I firmly believe that you keep going back to these places because you are looking for some relief.  You want to feel better.  But, you don’t realize at the time that this is a dead end to nowhere which is only going to make you feel worse and worse.

To really cope and move forward after a husband’s cheating, the real key is to interrupt, and then to stop, the continuous loop of these hurtful thoughts and questions. Now, I know that this is a tall order.  This is a difficult thing to accomplish.  But, you must never stop trying and you must understand that this takes some practice and that it gets much easier over time.

Taking Care Of Yourself As A Means Of Coping With His Affair Or His Cheating:  Many women will immediately place the focus on the husband.  They are trying to understand his motivations and his thought process.  And yes, it’s vital to understand why this has happened.  But, never forget to also focus on yourself.  You are wounded.  And, unfortunately, often the only one who is going to tend to you and give you what you need is yourself.  Men often aren’t socialized to offer this kind of care and, even if they were, you would be unlikely to accept this without your questioning his sincerity.  You must take responsibility for being conscious of, accepting of, and then capable of, giving yourself what you need.

This may mean taking some time away from the situation.  This might mean giving yourself permission to be “selfish” and to focus on only your needs and yourself for a little while.  This may mean being honest about where your own insecurities and perceived short comings hold you back and give yourself permission to fix these things.  It may mean being brutally honest with your husband about what you need from him to begin to find your way back. 

Whatever you end up needing, please be honest.  Don’t try to pretend that you’re something that you are not or that you’re OK when you are really struggling.  There is no shame in this.  You are not at fault.  You did not cause this to happen.  But, you do have to take responsibility toward getting what you need to help you get through this and to emerge better and stronger as the result.  Because if you are not brave and ask for and demand what you need, then no one is going to do this for you.

And, unfortunately as the result, you will getting less than what you need and you deserve. And you don’t deserve this. You have every bit as much right and need to be happy as he does.  That’s not to say that you can’t be happy with him.  Maybe you will.  But you won’t know this until you are able to break the loop of those hurtful and destructive thoughts we talked about.  It’s not fair to you to allow for these things to follow you around and to hurt you over and over again.  Do whatever you need to do to break and then stop this process.  When you feel yourself sinking into this abyss, distract yourself with something that you enjoy or something that might take your mind off of this – even for a little while.

This may feel false or forced at first, but as you do it more and more, I think that it becomes easier.

It took me way too long to realize that my way out of the pain was through the door that lead back to myself. Once I realized this, things changed for the better and eventually transformed completely. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

Katie Lersch writes articles about moving past an affair.  Her corresponding blog is at http://surviving-the-affair.com/