The other day, I received an email from a wife who said she had either caught her husband in, or suspected him of, “several little white lies.” Examples were that he told her that he was at work, but when she called, the receptionist said he wasn’t there. He told her that he was with a friend and coworker, but when she mentioned this outing to the co worker’s wife, she only got a blank stare. There were other things that didn’t add up, as well as omissions and slip ups that just didn’t make any sense. She had the suspicion that these lies were pointing to something else – namely, cheating. She wanted to know if a man’s lying is an indication that he was also cheating, or is a lie sometimes just a lie? I’ll address this in the following article.
The Rare Occasions When Lying Is Innocent: There are some rare occasions when your partner will lie to you for what they think is your own good. An example is if they are saying they are at work and are planning a surprise for you. Or, they say that are at work because they don’t want you to know that they’ve lost their job. However, these things will become apparent soon enough and they often are not paired with lies that stretch on for a certain period of time or other odd behaviors. And often, the feeling that you get from this type of “little white lie” is quite different than the alarm bells that are going off in your head when something truly is wrong.
When He’s Making A Habit Out Of Lying: Repetitive lying doesn’t necessarily always mean cheating, but it is laying a foundation that never leads to good and healthy things. A man who makes a habit out of lying or who becomes so good at it that this behavior becomes second nature to him is someone that you should keep an eye on. Sure, it may be totally innocent, but you have to look at it as, at best, as a way that he is distancing himself from and deceiving you (even if that is not his conscious intention.) Neither of these things are behaviors that you want in your marriage. I’m often asked if you should confront him about this. My answer is often that you shouldn’t until you have more information. First off, you don’t want to be wrong. And second, you don’t want to go in unprepared.
When Lies, Actions, And Feelings Point To Cheating: Often, it’s not only his lies that are giving you a bad vibe. You’ll also notice a distance between you. He may start to be critical or negative. He may not give you as much of his attention and time. In short, he is simply somewhere else. So, it’s often not just the lies that worry you. It’s the lies mixed in with the totality of the situation. It just feels off. This is often when most people tune into the fact that something is potentially quite wrong. And it’s at this point that you will have to make a decision as to whether you want to pursue this until you find out the truth or if you want to hope for the best and just pray that you are wrong.
Because often, your husband is not going to come out and admit what has been going on. He’s been able to lie all along so it is highly unlikely that he is going to suddenly come out with the truth. He’ll often try to turn things around on you or to tell you that you’re being overly paranoid or too emotional.
How To Find Out If His Lying Means He’s Also Cheating: The easiest way to follow up is to simply go down the road that his lies take you. If you catch him saying he’s working late but isn’t, then your goal should be to find out where he really is and why he is lying about it. There are many ways to start to achieve this. Often you will find your first clues and his cell phone or computer. This is an easy way to check up without him knowing that you are doing so and without appearing to be the one who is over reaching.
You can see everything that has been happening on his computer with relatively inexpensive and hard to track software. You can run a reverse look up on his phone so that you will know exactly who he has been talking to and texting and you can easily follow up and dig this down. This way, you will have the information yourself without having to depend on him to give it to you, since he’s been lying to you all along anyway. Sometimes, it turns out that he’s not cheating and sometimes he is, but at least you will have the luxury of knowing without dealing with the torment of having to guess if you’re being cheated on as well as lied to.
I was in this same situation a short time ago. I tried to confront my husband too soon, before I had proof, and of course he denied everything. I tried to believe him, but the doubts remained. I decided that I really wanted to know the truth, no matter what that truth was. I learned how to get concrete information and proof that my husband thought that he had hid and erased. Once I presented this to him, he had no choice but to come clean. You can read my very personal story at http://catch-the-cheating.com/.