Daily Archives: February 5, 2014

Tips For Getting Over It When Your Husband Cheats

The vast majority of the correspondence that I receive comes from women whose husbands or boyfriends have cheated.¬† Many tell me that they can not remember (or have not experienced) anything so painful and life altering.¬† There’s no question that a lot of things that you believed in are now in question.¬† When your husband cheats, quite frankly, many things can change.¬†

His cheating can change your faith in him and in your marriage.  It can change the way that you feel about yourself.  It can shatter your faith and self confidence.  And, sometimes it feels as though it has brought you to your knees or shaken you to your core.  There can be times when you wonder if you will ever get over or through him cheating.

I believe and it’s my experience that you not only can cope and heal, you can eventually move on in a healthy way.¬† Many wives will tell you, at least in retrospect, that although their husband cheating was an extremely and difficult time, some of the insights and resulting changes that this brought about were actually beneficial.¬† I know that it’s quite possible that this might seem crazy and impossible to you right now, but if you’ll bear with me, I’ll discuss this more in the following article.¬†

Give Yourself Permission To Believe That You Can And Will Get Through, Past, And Over This:  I know that in the beginning, it can feel as though your world has come crashing down around you.  And you may well doubt that brighter days are going to eventually replace these dark ones.  But, it will likely help you if you will try to offer yourself reassurances that one day, things are going to look brighter.

And, it can help to tell yourself that you can take control right now.¬† Admittedly, his cheating was outside of your control.¬† You didn’t make that decision or take that action.¬† But, you do have some control now.¬† You can decide the route that you want to take and you can decide to surround yourself with the thoughts, actions, and support that are going to help you rather than hurt you.

With that said, part of supporting yourself is accepting and understanding that a resolution often will not come overnight.¬† That’s a big part of the frustration with this whole healing process.¬† Women become so frustrated that they aren’t able to move on and aren’t making improvements.¬† They put pressure on themselves and blame themselves when they aren’t “getting over it” and moving on as quickly as they think they should.¬†

What they sometimes don’t understand is that this isn’t a process that happens in a straight line or even in a logical way sometimes.¬† You may feel better and think that the worst is behind you only to later find that you’re revisiting some issues or just can’t seem to get a resolution because you’re still bothered by shock, resentment, thoughts of betrayal or worries that you were somehow at fault.

These feelings are completely normal and they don’t mean that you can’t or won’t eventually heal.¬† They sometimes indicate the need for more time and they sometimes indicate the need for further attention.¬† Which leads me to my next point.

Giving Yourself Permission To Ask For¬†And Get What You Need In Order To Heal From His Cheating: I believe that it’s possible to heal no matter which direction you ultimately decide to take.¬† In other words, you can chose to save your marriage or you can chose to end it but you can also end up OK and in a¬†healthy place in the end.

There’s really no right or wrong decision when he cheats.¬† There’s what is the right or wrong decision for you.¬† And that is very individual for each woman.¬† You’ll often have to take many different things into account.¬† But the good news is that this process often forces you to evaluate the core issues that, if eliminated, will result in your being healthier and happier with the life that you craft from here on out.

With that said, though, you’ll often need to be proactive.¬† If you just wait for him to give you what you need or for you to automatically heal and get better, then you may not get what you need.¬† You’ll sometimes need to ask for what you need or take it for yourself.¬† This is not the time to be silent or reactive rather than proactive.

Although it may not feel like it, this can be an opportunity to take stock of your life, figure out what’s working and what’s not and accepting nothing less than the life that you really want.¬† I know that it may sound overly dramatic, but my husband’s cheating and affair was a wake up call.¬† It made me change my life.¬† Yes, I wasn’t always so enthusiastic about these changes at the time, but looking back, I can see they were in my best interest.

I eventually went to back to school, improved my appearance so that I was happy with it, and educated myself on issues that had long bothered me.¬† This felt difficult sometimes, but with the¬†gift of time, I realize I’m happier, healthier and doing just fine.¬† I was able to save my marriage and this was the right choice for me, but this¬†choice is not going to be for everyone.

And I believe that you can still move on in a very healthy way no matter which choice you make.

In short, it’s my experience that it’s quite possible to cope and eventually to move on after he cheats.¬† Some days are difficult and this can be a gradual process that isn’t always fun.¬† But it can also be an opportunity if you allow it to spur growth rather than deception. But sometimes, the process doesn’t happen automatically and you’ll need to take some initiative.

I know that coping, getting over it or moving on when he cheats can be difficult. But I promise it’s not impossible. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again.You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Katie Lersch writes articles about moving past an affair.  Her corresponding blog is at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

Help In Marriage Restoration When Your Spouse Cheats

Please don’t feel ashamed to get help in healing your marriage after you have discovered that your spouse was unfaithful. I hope you don’t blame yourself and let this awful selfish act define the rest of your life. I truly desire to give you a helping hand in fixing your marriage and your wounded heart.

I would not be surprised if you told me that your days and nights are consumed with images and thoughts of your spouse cheating. It’s natural but not healthy to think about the infidelity. The road to recovery is long and often difficult, but the good news is that it is possible. So what are some things that others haven done to help in healing their marriage, after infidelity?

First, there is an acknowledgement of the problems that led up to the affair and a true acceptance of what lies ahead. There is a lot of confusion in a relationship when adultery takes center stage. It’s almost like being in a serious car accident. Very often it is hard to understand what just happened. Many folks are dazed and trapped by the high and low emotional state. Once cheating has occurred you know it is a pivotal moment in your marriage. It can help with fixing your marriage if you can move past the victim and paralysis stage and get moving restoring your life.

Second, plan for a happy ending and build a roadmap to get there. You won’t give yourself the best chance to succeed if you just wing it. The reason being, your emotional state can cause you to make irrational decisions. A good exercise to undertake is to plot out the ending you want and work backwards. I have listed below a few general steps you can map out as an example.

Help In Restoring Your Marriage Steps In Reverse Order

7) Marriage is restored, trust and love has never been better and intimacy is as good as it has ever been.

6) Hearts are mended, forgiveness asked for and granted.

5) Relationship issues leading to or contributing to the affair are worked through with clarity and are resolved for good.

4) Emotional stability is achieved and emotions related to rage, anger, resentment, confusion and denial are slowly fading away.

3) The affair is ended and agreement is reached regarding how the two of you will try to move forward, taking one day at a time.

2) You think about and create a list of what you will need to happen in order for your marriage to be restored.

1) You make the decision along with your spouse to try to work things out.

There are many steps you can take to help get you past the current pain and anger that you might be experiencing.

It is important, regardless of how far along in the process you are, that you know where you are and where you are heading. As hard as it might be right now, please take a little time and organize your thoughts and how you intend to make your marriage better.

One of the mistakes I see couples making is that they spend so much time worrying about the present that they don’t allow time to focus on the future. Dealing with infidelity in your marriage can overwhelm you and quickly bring your marriage to an end, if you aren’t focusing on the right things.

Would you like to restore your marriage and remove the sadness, anger and frustration you feel right now? I hope you are shaking your head yes!

Please continue to fight against those negative feelings you have and don’t lose hope. Things can get better and will if you make them. I know the future doesn’t look bright but the sun will shine again and you will love and laugh again. If you would like more insight, help in marriage and guidance dealing with your spouse’s infidelity, please visit here; Help In Marriage.

D. P. Haynes is an experienced relationship author who provides guidance and insights regarding restoring relationships and helping couples resolve marriage problems.