Daily Archives: February 4, 2014

If A Husband Cheats Or Has An Affair, Does It Mean He Wants A Divorce?

I recently heard from a wife who theorized that her husband had deliberately planned and then had an affair as a way to end his marriage. She felt that his cheating was his passive aggressive way to obtain a divorce because he was too cowardly to ask for one in any other way. She asked, in part: “do some men cheat because they want a divorce? I suspect that my husband is guilty of this. Our marriage had been struggling for a while and I’d repeatedly asked him to go to counseling or to help me improve our marriage but I got no cooperation from him. I even asked him if he wanted a separation or a divorce but he never gave me an honest answer. A few months later, he cheated and didn’t make much of an effort to hide it from me. It’s almost as if he wanted to be caught. And since he knows that infidelity is unacceptable to me and grounds for divorce, I think that his cheating was part of a plan to end the marriage. The weird thing is, now that the affair is out in the open, I’m not sure if I want a divorce. But I offered him one anyway and he resisted this. He said that he just wants to wait and see what happens. So this leaves me with a lot of questions. Did he cheat because he knew I would divorce him? And if so, why isn’t he jumping at the chance to divorce me when I’m offering him this chance?”

These were all very heavy questions that I wasn’t going to be able to directly answer. And when the wife confronted her husband about this issue, he completely denied it. He told his wife that her theory just didn’t make any sense. Why would he need to cheat to end his marriage when he could simply ask his wife for a divorce if he wanted one? Why would he involve another person and hurt other people if all he had to do was file divorce papers to end his marriage? The wife couldn’t answer these questions and neither could I.

However, I do have some insights into this as I dialog with many people on both sides of the issue.

People cheat and have affairs for many varied reasons. And, sometimes a man’s behaviors before and after the cheating gives us clues into his motivations and intentions. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Some Husbands Do Cheat As A Reaction To Issues Within Their Marriage Or As A Way To Get Their Wife’s Attention. But Not Every One Who Cheats Or Has An Affair Wants To End Their Marriage: It’s not out of the question for a man to use an affair to help him facilitate a divorce or to bring about the end of his marriage. Many people assume that when people cheat or have affairs, they always do so in secret and hope that their spouse will never find out. This isn’t true for every one. It’s very common to hear men say that they were almost hoping to get caught because, for whatever reason, they were trying to get their spouse’s attention or to get a very dramatic reaction.

The reasons for this vary. Sometimes, they are angry with their wife. Sometimes, they feel undeserving of her. Other times, they are dealing with their own personal issues. However, this doesn’t mean that all men who cheat are hoping for a divorce (although some are.) Some hope that the cheating will make their wife see that he wants more of her time, appreciation, or affection.

Others have more negative motivations and use the cheating as a “pay back” for some perceived slight or as a way to show his wife that others can appreciate him or find him attractive, even if she doesn’t. (Of course, this isn’t at all fair, but this is what some men will tell you.) However, the wife in this situation didn’t feel that any of these things rang true for her. She felt pretty sure that her husband’s infidelity was meant to be the first step in her husband divorcing her.

What If Your Husband Initially Cheated As A Way To End The Marriage, But He Isn’t Pursuing A Divorce Now?: The wife in this situation just couldn’t understand why the husband was hesitating to divorce her when she was all but filing the papers herself. Everything was out in the open and the wife was offering him a relatively quick and drama free divorce. She couldn’t understand his hesitation to take her up on this.

People change their minds all of the time. A decision that was made in haste and out of negative emotions doesn’t usually turn out to be the right decision and people sometimes realize this before it is too late. I’ve dialogued with men in this situation and many will tell you that once they saw the pain on their wife’s face, the cheating and the aftermath of it suddenly became very “real” to them. And it’s sometimes at this point that they realize that they really don’t want to hurt their wife or end their relationship with her. Is it fair for them to aggressively cheat and then to change their mind about their marriage? No, it’s not. But this is what sometimes happens.

You can usually tell whether your husband hopes or intends for the cheating to end the marriage by how he acts once everything is out in the open. Some men will push for a divorce right away and others will stop short of this and will show some hesitation at ending the marriage. Sometimes, a man’s intentions change once they see your reaction or get a taste of life without you. Of course, whether you are open to saving the marriage has to be up to you. Part of this process is asking yourself if you can address and then fix the issues that led to his making a choice to cheat in the first place. Some couples are willing and able to do this and some aren’t.

So, to answer the question posed, yes some men do cheat because they want a divorce, but many do not. And some initially have this intention out of haste or anger but end up changing their minds later and very much regretting their actions.

I know that you are likely going through a very difficult time, but you sometimes do have a choice as to whether your marriage ends. Although it appeared that my husband’s affair was going to mean the end of our marriage, we eventually pulled it together and worked things out. In fact, although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, after some struggles, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is in tact. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. If it helps, you can read more about that very personal story and what worked for me and what didn’t at http://surviving-the-affair.com

 

Katie Lersch writes articles about moving past an affair.  Her corresponding blog is at http://surviving-the-affair.com/.  Her article website is at http://katie-lersch-articles.com

Online Poker Bots, Cheats and Other Software Facts

There is a lot of cheating, loads of bots and software updates happening online. Why don’t we discuss them so we could enlighten ourselves further?

 

Poker cheats are usually programs that could actually change the outcome of a game by giving you information that you should not be able to know or even change the cards you are dealt with. Some even claim to show your opponents’ hidden cards.

 

There is no factual basis regarding this that proves that it is true. There is absolutely no such thing. Reputable poker rooms have powerful encryptions on their software that prevents this from happening, if ever it exists. A program like this won’t be up for sale since the programmer could make use of it and go away to win millions, so he probably wouldn’t bother selling it. Be aware with online ads claiming a program can perform such things.

 

The next thing would be poker bots. It is a program that can play for you through your computer and “read” the situations on the screen and play for you even if you are away from your PC. Sounds very convenient, right? Well, the truth is poker rooms don’t allow them. It could just be some spyware or virus, though something like this is never heard of. A lot of people say that bots can win you $ 50 an hour, but this claim hasn’t been proven yet. And since it is a bot, it cannot feel its opponents. These bots are incapable of making advanced decisions and can’t make use of different strategies.

 

There are programs that claim they can help you in playing online poker and say they can show your hand strength, odds to drawing a great hand, odds for having the best hand on the table and so on. Some of them also show suggestions of what you can do when it’s your turn such as when to fold, call or raise. The fact is what you see is what you get. No false hopes there. The program only gives actions that are derived from mathematical calculations and then you get to decide what to do.

 

What people should understand is they need to train on how to be a more skilled online poker player and sites like wikipokerroom.com has strategies and tips for a fellow like you. Skip the programs and train to improve yourself instead and you wouldn’t have to bother with these things.

 

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Cheaters – Why He Cheats and What You Can Do

Are you confused about why he cheats? Did he cheat once and now you’re afraid that he will do it again? What should you do to keep it from happening? It can be hurtful and frustrating when a man cheats, but there might be some reasons behind it. Continue reading this article to find out some of the reasons behind why he cheats and what you can do about it.

When cheating occurs, it comes down to one thing-a problem. Either he has a problem, or you have a problem. Either way, a problem exists in the relationship. So, how do you figure out whose problem it is?

It isn’t easy to figure out the problem, but it might help by looking at who he cheated on you with and to then figure out if it is an on-going thing or a one night stand. If it is an on-going thing and he has pretty much established a relationship with the other person, then it could be him with the problem. After all, he has been deceiving you for a while.

On the other hand, if he is not involved in another relationship then he could just be unhappy in your relationship. The reasons why he cheats might not be justifiable, but they could be explainable. Most men cheat because they are unhappy with their current relationship. He could think that you are too negative or that you are unhappy with him, leaving him with conflicted emotions.

Once he has cheated on you, you have to decide if you want to take him back. If you do, then you’re going to have to figure out a way to keep from bringing up the past. You should have the conversation, deal with it, and then start rebuilding trust. If you continue to bring up the past incident and cheating then neither one of you will be happy, nor will you be able to move on.

If you don’t believe that you can do this, then you might just want to leave the relationship all together.

It could be less painful for both of you to simply go your separate ways. If he has a problem with cheating, and it doesn’t have anything to do with you, then chances are that he is not going to stop and there is little you can do about it. In this instance, you will not be the last woman he cheats on and you were probably not the first.

The important thing is not necessarily why he cheats but whether or not you are both happy in your relationship. A good, healthy relationship required good communication skills and you’ll need to work on these before anything else happens.

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